Master and slave relationships can be the most blissful and rewarding experiences, but they are also extremely vulnerable, both for the slave and the Master. How can you tell some warning signs of a possible bad actor? This article point out ten common red flags in Master/slave relationships. (If you have additional red flags, feel free to add them in the comments, and I can incorporate those into the text. I also state this is mentioned from the slave’s perspective, but all of these red flags with Masters can also be applied to salves as well.)
A real Master can be domineering, demanding, and sexually the top. However, there is a difference between authentically being that Master and being a dangerous bad actor who uses a Master cover to hie up their own incompetence or downright evil intent.
1. The Lone Wolf — if you find a master who is not a member of any M/s community, this is a serious red flag as this person is beholden to no one and has little if any education on safe, sane and consensual M/s relationships. What often keeps Masters not just well informed about best practices but also makes them operate in a sane or rational manner is being a member of the M/s community. A bad actor’s reputation in the community will make it difficult to find a decent slave, so they tend to want to learn and want to be a community member in good standing. Though that is not necessarily a guarantee, and the community has been known to let down some people , nevertheless, the community provides a support group any slave or Master will need.
2. References — both slave and Master are advised to ask for references to make sure that the person is who they say they are and has the experience they say they do. If they have no references, then they certainly would need support, education, and community to help teach and support them.
3. Isolation — any slave being isolated from their community is in an abusive relationship. Their isolation prevents them from communicating with other slaves who might be able to help spot abusive behavior, that a salve might otherwise see as just “obeying orders.” An isolated slave is often told “this is the way to be a slave” by a master who is actually being abusive. Not every order is worthy of being obeyed, a Master needs that feedback as much as a slave does and that cannot happen in isolation. (A slave cannot get the confidence to follow every order of a Master if some of those orders are dangerous, illegal or otherwise not safe.)
4. Disproportionate demands — A Master gets the trust they earn. If they start out making unrealistic and threatening demands, claiming things like “blind obedience” is the only true slavery, this is not just utter nonsense but extremely dangerous as you will be trusting someone who really has not earned your trust. What does earn your trust mean? That’s tricky because to a certain extent there is a leap of faith that someone is who they say they are. But a general best practice states that trust is the result of continually keeping their promises. Also, you can also see one’s integrity by their standing in the community and their rational/courteous behavior towards others.
5. Incompetence — Related to the above is the pressure many Masters exert for things like “Total Power Exchange” or “Complete Surrender.” Sounds hot but if employed right away at the start of a relationship, it’s an intimidation tactic not a Master/slave dynamic which is based on consensual submission and domination. Just like a Master should not make unreasonable demands of loyalty until such loyalty is earned. Likewise, no Master should have power over a slave that exceeds their competence. And this can go really wrong very fast. For example, I have seen some Masters demand control over a slave’s finances when they are incompetent at their own finances and ruins everyone involved. A real Master would recognize their own shortcomings and order the slave to control their own finances—and even the Master’s. Likewise, a Master who is not an expert at a given aspect should have no business controlling that aspect of the slave’s life. In general, a wise Master controls a slave to the extent they are competent and directs a slave to manage the things they are less good at. This will assure a long-term relationship instead of a short term disaster.
6. “If it’s too good to be true,” then it probably is. — The M/s version would be: the more someone acts like they came out of a porn film, the more unlikely this person is to be trusted. There’s a big difference between acting out a hot scene that resembles a porn scene and someone pretending to be living like an all-domineering and all-knowing Master. Such a Master would have to be a real genius in many fields to be able to be so demanding. If they are such a genius, then their egos would not be so fragile as to bristle against any kind of questioning or conversation about what they can or cannot do. The defensive, demanding petulant Master, especially those who act like “one strike and you’re out,” are very dangerous indeed: covering up either a damaged ego or an idiot and both are very dangerous. Personally, I have been harmed physically as well as mentally from these stupid Masters. So don’t fall for it and be a stupid slave; these kinds of master-bozos can ruin a good slave for a deserving Master.
7. Uneducatable — A master who is not open to being educated or informing themselves is another major red flag. If they know nothing about slavery and won’t even read Salvecraft or some canonical work on understanding the slave or the M/s dynamic, it is a sure sign one is dealing with a lone wolf.
8. Not respecting hard limits — As mentioned in an earlier post, some limits are meant to be expanded and others are not. These latter are called hard limits. An example of a hard limit for one person may not be a hard limit for another. That is why negotiating hard limits is essential. Any Master who claims slaves have no hard limits is not just living in a fantasy world but is also a dangerous maniac who should be avoided at all costs. A slave, convinced they have no limits, needs to rethink that: are they really open to getting their fingers cut off? Being maimed or dismembered against their will? Then one realizes they have hard limits. A slave’s responsibility is to enforce their own hard limits, not just because some criminal Master’s won’t honor them, but also because even the best Master cannot read a slave’s mind, and a slave has an obligation to communicate hard limits. Even in scenes where a slave is bound and gagged, a good Master gives the slave a way of communicating when a hard limit is approaching; and a slave insists on a way to communicate that to a Master.
9. Safeword over-reliance. A Master who blithely ignores a slave’s body language and other non-verbal clues because they have a “safeword” is also a warning sign. A slave can often be too reticent to use a safeword, or in the course of a scene, they can enter a ‘slave space’ due to endorphins, or become dissociative. A real Master will see these non-verbal signs and not just rely on a safeword’s usage as a signal to stop a scene. If a Master is unaware of these signs, they should not be trusted with an unsupervised scene. (Playing in a public space with a trained dungeon monitor is often the best way to discover this.)
10. Unrealistic Financial/passwords demands — Lastly, I make special mention of unrealistic financial and other account safety demands. True, there are pro-dom and fin-doms out there, and people into that. However, at no time would a competent Master, pro- fin- or otherwise, put a vulnerable slave at financial risk. It is incumbent on all slaves to know their financial “hard limits,” and the moment those are not respected, then there is the most important red flag of all. Moreover, if a slave is not into fin-don and a Master insists on it, then you have a major red flag to flee the scene and never give a Master passwords to any financial or private accounts (like email) which do nothing but invite abuse. Never give a Master you are not in a committed partnership/marriage of long standing, access to any of your accounts.