I have had to struggle with suicidal thoughts these past years. I am surviving with them, coping with them. And maybe if i share some of my experience it can help you too? As many know my husband/Master of almost 10 years died. I suffered a depression, so I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts. Sometimes they seem so strong I fear they will overwhelm me. And sometimes they do. But those thoughts never switch into actions. I find myself stronger than the thoughts. But I also keep in mind three things: First, I am conscious that I am depressed. That those thoughts are my depression talking not me. It gives the me the wisdom to tolerate them and not hate them; but not act on them. Second, i realize in the depths of depression, or a yearning to kill myself, i long to justify people would be better off without me. I even but up this whole argument about prevention, that by killing myself i was saving people from far further misery than if i had lived. These arguments, though, are simply delusional. Lies meant to ignore how much i am really loved. Third, as Master Morris Taylor taught me. If you do commit suicide, the misery you will inflict on everyone who has ever known you is enough to warrant being cursed. I simply cannot do that to my loved ones, my friends, my colleagues -- all who believe in me. I simple cannot let them down. I heard people say that suicide is a selfish act, and i am not convinced that is so. People who find themselves so drowned in misery can't see the results of their actions, and delude themselves that they are not loves nor valued. All I can say is that consciousness is the only antidote. Be conscious of your the state of your body, the state of your mind. Be aware of the gratitude that quivers through every soul, even yours. If suicide is meant to be a call for help, then listen to your own distress call--and help yourself. If suicide seems like an answer, realize it is a Permanent solution to a temporary problem. Problems constantly change, death never does. So I use suicide as a trigger to tell me: don't kill myself, instead kill time (even if its a marathon session of my favorite movies) something to get me to the point I can fall peacefully asleep and wake up the next day to try again. Give yourself time to prove that to yourself, you deserve at least that much. Lastly, for what it's worth: I don't want you to commit suicide because you are smarter than that. I wrote this not because it will save your life, if you are feeling suicidal, but it will hopefully give you tools that you can save yourself with. And if you do, maybe you will discover your own tools. Then i hope you will share those with others, we can never have enough of that kind of wisdom. Need to talk to some? There is a 24 hour hotline that would love to talk to you: Call 1-800-273-8255 (The National Suicide Prevention Hotline).

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Jonathan, know that you are not alone in feeling like this. I have been there many times and the only thing that has stopped me is the thought of how much it would hurt those who love me. You are so loved and needed and I hope you really do know this. I love you.

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