(Mein Führer: Besser Rot als tot)
Writer's note: I started out writing a satrirical piece about how far would the republican populists go in their murderous racism, and i decided to place it in the future as a vehicle to actually explore the current tenor and trend of the debate if we continue to leave this unchecked. So read this piece and wake up America!)
Washington DC— Sometime in the future a house judiciary committee meeting
John Conyers XVI: Rico we have to talk about this later. The Chair wants to start the debate now.
Rico Oakman: John, this won’t take long, what do you think of my idea?
Conyers XVI: Changing the name of the Democratic party is something we should not take lightly, Rico.
Oakman: But this way, we can compete with the Republican Trump Imperium by appealing to their base as well.
Conyers XVI: But The name—
Oakman: I like adding word ‘socialist’ as our forbearer Mr. Bernhard Sanders would have liked.
Conyers XVI: I know combining it with your pro labor idea…I don’t like it. Putting all that together has a bad connotation—know what I mean, Rico?
Oakman: What do you mean, it has a nice ring to it. I like the name what’s wrong this it?
Radolph Duke-Cruz: Gentleman! The hearings are about to begin.
Oakman: Yes Radolph we’re done! (aside to Conyers)We’ll discuss this later but I have the votes.
Duke-Cruz: The House Judiciary Committee will come to order. We have a proposal from Congressman Oakman—
Josephus Schmoe: I object Chairman! Are you really going to let a democrat talk? We saw from Mr. McConnell, what happens when he let just one democrat talk, look what happened to him.
Duke-Cruz: I doubt they will hang me upside down from a cross just for letting them talk about what Congressman Oakman said was a small matter, Continue Mr. Oakman.
Oakman: Thank you Chairman Duke-Cruz. The current proposal does need some explaining before this key vote. We, the Democratic party—or I should say as we shall soon be know as the National Democratic Socialist Workers Party—
Conyers XVI: I object we have not approved the name—we haven’t voted on that.
Duke-Cruz: Please Congressman Conyers we have learned absolutely nothing, if we have not learned that voting is a mere formality. Continue uninterrupted Rico.
Oakman: Thank you, I want to address people’s concern about the current proposal. We feel this is the only real democratic people-focused solution to both racism and immigration. With our current technology we can use gene therapy to make everyone white. We have tried affirmative action, operation head start, the peace corp, immigration reform and these have not worked. Indeed we all know the definition of insanity is to try the same thing again and again even though it has proven not to work. Let me repeat, we all know the definition of insanity is to try the same thing again and again even though it has proven not to work. Making every body white solves the problem. White police cannot accidentally shoot a black man if he is white.
Duke-Cruz: It’s even better than that, The police couldn’t shoot someone who does not exist. (Oakman chuckles)
Schmoe: You can’t agree with him!
Duke-Cruz: Wait your turn, Joe.
Oakman: The problem is solved! The lack of darker skin color also means we can at last abandon policies that make no sense: affirmative action, outreach to ghettos, multi-cultural hypersensitivities. Indeed there will be no ghettos since nowhere will there be a concentration of anything other than white people. And with the immigration problem. Economically speaking, we know there was never an immigration crisis. Moreover, this country’s only native population was mercilessly annihilated by my friends across the aisle.
Schmoe: Objection! This is a committee meeting there is no aisle.
Oakman: Okay, by my friends on the other side of this podium.
Schmoe: Thank you.
Oakman: Nevertheless, I repeat there has never been—from an economic stand point—an immigration crisis. Our economy would grind to a halt if it were not for our generous immigrants to the south who will work at slave labor wages to gather our food, take care of our children, wash our dishes and paint our houses—that remind me my sink needs repairing. Anyway, the only real problem with immigration is their skin color, which makes many people across the aisle—other side of the podium!—uncomfortable. Their newly lightened skin would ease these concerns and allow our economy to flourish as they work for their slave wages along side their newly lightly colored black neighbors.
Schmoe: If everyone will be white what would prevent one of us—I mean one of the white people from working for slave wages? Besides, if I may, the very idea that anyone not racially related to us could possibly pass as us is at best mendacity and at worst deception. Call a spade a spade, that’s what I say! Let’s have racial integrity and pay them what they re worth and we what we are worth.
Conyers XVI: You can’t do this, I am shocked! This would mean the annihilation of entire cultures.
Oakman: Well, we do have a precedence in what we did to the Native Americans.
Conyers XVI: That’s like saying concentration camps are a precedence for putting us all in death camps.
Shmoe: Well objectively speaking, it is a precedence.
Conyers XVI: Are you saying death camps were a good thing?
Shmoe: I am just saying it is a precedence. Whatever we think about it, there is an international legal precedent. We are a nation of laws. Don’t start judging the law, we are nothing without the rule of law and this was one of them …somewhere… we can’t cherry pick the laws we like and the ones we don’t like.
Peter Flinder: I would like to speak in support of this proposal.
Conyers XVI: You, Flinder!
Flinder: As a member of our newly named NDSWP, I want to say I would support this.
Conyers XVI: Your supposedly my friend Peter!
Flinder: I am, but this would stop your constantly jamming down my throat that I am an invisible minority. Now you would be just as invisible and we can be minorities on equal footing! That’s all I want, equality.
Nick Chauchesqueue: Stop this gentleman. This a charade.
Duke-Cruz: We’ve heard long enough from the Democrats, Nick, what have you got to say?
Chauchesqueue: This is unacceptable, making black people white, the idea is absurd. We need this plurality to exist, if for no other reason than to sustain our GDP in the revenue from private jails. My goodness God almighty, we might as well close death row! Think of that: the unemployment! Not just the laid off workers but the walking undead, too. Entitlements will skyrocket!
Schmoe: I can see other problems. How could we control lower quality white people, like Eastern Europe—no offense Congressman Chauchesqueue— these people would take advantage of this whole program and claim to be whitened. How would we know? They could claim to take advantage of our slave labor program—I mean our reduced minimum wage program—for new illegal residents. This would make us the new European Union—good grief then California, New York and who knows else would exit the union.
Chauchesqueue: Exactly. These black people, which you don’t change just by changing the hare’s fur—their skin color is also but a superficial covering up of bleeding hearty Communism of the worst kind. We see right through this. Does changing their skin color change the way the would vote? If we give them a voice, they’d be a trojan horse of democracy!
Oakman: Gentlemen, you are quite wrong, changing their skin color will change them—it will give them White man’s privilege.
Chauchesqueue: Oh! Genius man.
Oakman: And if we have learned anything we have learned the lengths people will lie to themselves and others to protect their white privilege. Well, to protect their newfound white privilege they would be obliged to step up in solidarity with us to do the same—probably even against their own people who refuse to participate in our program.
Conyers XVI: Good god!
Duke-Cruz: Stop trying to hijack God as your argument! Preposterous: black people turning white!
Oakman: We have proof! Look at Clarence Thomas or Ben Carson. I imagine how much more easily we can make more of them if their skins really were white.
Chauchesqueue: But they aren’t white.
Oakman: What are they then? Conyers doesn’t even admit black republicans into the so-called non-partisan black causcus. They might as well be white already.
Conyers XVI: Good god!
Duke-Cruz: Jesus Christ, stop using God as a defense.
Jesus Christ: It doesn’t bother me, he’s talking the name in vain.
Duke-Cruz: All right.
Shmoe: I am confused. They’d be white black people or white latinos. What do we do then?
Oakman: If there’s any problem it will right itself out in a generation: the long range effects are perfectly clear.
Duke-Cruz: Then we’d have to have some system of registration to track them for the first generation—you know keep an eye on them. We could put them automatically on the sexual predators list and no fly zones, etc. Oh, I have it, let them wear a black triangle on their coats.
Schmoe: And the latinos can wear brown ones.
Duke-Cruz: That's discrimination.
Shmoe: Then have them wear triangles the color of their original sin--I mean skin.
Duke-Cruz: That's an even worse idea we won't be able to tell anyone apart. Just make it brown, that's what most of them are anyway despite what they say.
Chauchesqueue: We have agreement?--Oh no, no no, what was I thinking? This can’t work! Cruz-Duke! This is just white washing the problem—literally whitewashing. If I may say, what I like, is this legal precedence—LEGAL precedence—of the concentration camps.
Shmoe: But, consider the expense?
Duke-Cruz: Now gentlemen, let’s compromise. Work camps, clinics, they’d both be expensive. We could give them government guaranteed loans that would automatically garnish from the wages. They could finance their own camps or their own clinics whichever way we go.
Conyers XVI: Good god! Whichever way—it’s already a choice between the two? Let’s drop the hole matter.
Shmoe: You see! This is a democratic power grab pure and simple. So I would like to introduce the amendment. I’ll make it a friendly amendment to Oakmnan’s proposal with a budgetary tie in.
Duke-Cruz: Then, depending on which way this vote goes, we can buy stocks in the supporting company.
Oakman: Oh wow, I never even thought of that one.
Shmoe: Why you are a Democrat and we are in charge. I’ll even support the Democrat’s who cross over to vote with us to get them lobbying jobs before they get lynched in their hometowns.
Conyers XVI: You are the one’s doing the lynching, Sir!
Shmoe: If we do away with black people then who lynches who is a mere academic issue.
Oakman: I do object as well. I mean, Do I still get credit for passing the law if the amendment is accepted?
Shmoe: We’ll see Oakman. And Conyers, lobbying is not that bad once you try it. Trust me the hours are better … so is the food.
Agnus Merkle: There is no problem with immigrants why are we even debating this?!
Duke-Cruz: Congresswoman Merkle? Get her out of here! Jesus, who let her in anyway. This is a men’s committee. It is so difficult being a leader in these conditions. John, let me ask you a question, which would you prefer? Death camps or becoming white?
Oakman: You could get a sun tan after the operation. I don’t have a problem with that.
Chauchesqueue: Wouldn’t bother me either.
Conyers XVI: My leader, I suppose better red than dead.
Duke-Cruz: Thank you, common sense prevails. Next, item—oh it’s irrelevant now, putting prisoners in coal mines. I guess we can go home, our work is done.